Tuesday, November 18, 2003 at 10:51 p.m. abandon ship! is there a dr in the house? ;)

Monday, November 17, 2003 at 09:05 p.m. quick, someone (anyone) tell me wat was your first impression of me (in person that is). why ah? amusement, i guess. or maybe so i can scoff "that's not me. that can't be me. no no no, not i. not me..." except. maybe it is me. but what if i don't want to believe their perceptions of me, no matter how kind? who, me? intelligent? nice? pretty? ha ha. ok. you can stop fucking me. who, me? stupid? stuck up? poseur? ha ha. ok. fuck off. either way; i want to run to a corner and mutter my denials. of course, if someone compliments you that would be an insult. and if someone insults you... i usually widen my eyes a fraction and laugh with amusement, "oh, now you noticed?", thank you, dismissed. so today was the sort-of first day of class again. my part 6 friends are back from their practical training (but my part 5ers are gone for practical training...). i only bumped into a few of them today. but still it was a tad...disorienting? don't ask why. i'm not quite sure. but i do know lately that i've been bugged with the way i present myself to others. different people have different perceptions, true. but i treat different people differently. i'm not capable of joshing around with my lecturers save for verrrry few. i sometimes envy how some of my friends can banter with them, like they're peers or something. i can't. i wish i could but i can't. some people say i'm friendly - almost outrageously so. i make friends so easily. not true. it depends on who i'm being friendly with. shh. secret: I AM PAINFULLY SHY. do you hear me? Yes, ME. SHY. and when i'm shy i am such a dork that i want to gnash my teeth with frustration. if it weren't for my best friends... wanna know how i can be friendly and 'outgoing' with some people and 'aloof' and 'quiet' with others? simple: i see my best friends in them. "wow, this girl is as funny as ..." "hey, this guy likes...just like..." kinda pathetic, i know. but it helps. i warm up faster to the person, thus i can talk as though we've been friends for years... oh dear god. wat on earth am i rambling on and on about? pardon me. i'm just a little confused on what ppl see in me. the good part that is. sometimes i can see it myself. in glimpses. but when others point it out... poof. i only see smoke and mirrors, baby. where's the magic again?

Saturday, November 15, 2003 at 03:51 p.m. argh. i've got an effin headache. migraine? maybe. whatever. i just keep pissing my family left, right and center these days. and it truly is my fault. after all. i refuse to get out of bed before noon. the best i did was today: just before 11 am. then there's the fact that i can only sleep at 3ish am these days. 2ish earliest. everyone else at home is asleep by 11. technically; i'm the freak at the moment. *le sigh* results for last term is bit botched up due to a subject (which i didn't take) appearing on my results. as i didn't take the subject, i didn't sit for the tests/ exam nor attend a single class. thus i got an X. thus i've got to haul my ass to that faculty and clear it up. except. i can't, for the life of me, remember where i put all the papers proving i dropped that subject. *DUSH* -_-; that's another fine mess i've gotten myself into. i don't have class this monday. but maybe i should pretend that i do. just to get out of the house. get out of everybody's way. maybe i'll watch matrix 3. some of my uitm friends are asking about me. that's sweet. but i don't feel like meeting them yet. or anyone. uh oh. am i turning anti-social? am i sufferin the doldrums? the blues? the blahs? uh oh. not a good sign. uh oh uh oh uh oh. O_O so need to claw the fuck out of this hole i've dug myself into.

Thursday, November 13, 2003 at 02:34 a.m. i love you, i hate you, i loathe you, i've got to rid myself of you before it's too late. or am i wrong? who am i talking about? not who. but what. that psychotic skewed circus. this time it has to be for good, girl.

Sunday, November 9, 2003 at 11:27 p.m. So today Nina and I entertained a bunch of Japanese High School kids. Too bad we were in different groups... Note to self: Japan is the cutest nation in the world. Note to readers: I don't study japanese. I don't speak japanese. The japanese students study english. But... There we were. 3 Malay students (not one who took japanese - "Mampus!!" O_____o; ) and 5 japanese students. Various (valiant!) attempts to make small talk despite language barrier... The Zodiac Me (notices boy next to me wearing bracelet with zodiac sign) Wah, so many. Which one is your star sign? Jo (looks blankly at me. Turns to other japanese friends, they return blank stares) Uh... Me -_-; (racks head) Uhm...your birthday? (looks at bracelets) Are you a Taurus, Scorpio or Leo? Jo (face lights up) Thailand! Me (??) Thailand? Jo Made in Thailand, bought in Malaysia. Me ...Oh! (Tries again) Umm...(points to self) Star sign. I am Libra. Born in October, 10 month. Japanese students ... (dawning realisation) Ohhhhh!! (Nods) Hait, hait, hait! Me (Yess!! Smiles happily)  Taurus, May, 5 month. Leo, August, 8 month. Scorpio, November, 11 month. Which one you? Them (Nods) Hait, hait, hait! Me (Frozen smile) You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? Them (Nods) Hait, hait, hait! Me ... ^_^; It pays to know your J-Pop Me (racks head again) Uh... Takuya Kimura! Them ?? Me Kimutaku! Suki desu! Japanese Girls giggle Kimutaku! Me (hopefully) SMAP? Yuki (raises hand) Suki desu! Jo Ah, I also like Kimutaku! Ladies & Gentleman, we've made contact. Yessssss! Octopus Balls, anyone? Me (to other boy) Last year, I visit Japan. Went to Nagoya. Keita (Smiles) Ah, hait. Me Went to Nagoya, eat Takoyaki! Japanese Students (burst out into giggles) Takoyaki??! Me Haiiiiit! Takoyaki! Oishiiii! Jo Sedap? Me (Surprised, nods enthusiastically) Hait! Sangat sedap. w00t! Thankfully, Nina joined us because her group weren't big conversationalists (shy shy maaah). So, YAY!, she talked japanese with them while I played the ditz into Takuya Kimura and Takoyaki. Not a very difficult role to play... Schnoodles. We walk to the Japanese Students display. I see one poster with ramen noodles. Me Ramen. Japanese Students Hait! Malay students Apa tu ramen? Me Mee jepun. Nina (explains to Japanese students that mee is noodles in Malay) Me (to japanese students) What is the difference between ramen and udon? Japanese students (blank looks) Ramen? Udon? Me Nina... Nina Umm...(talks to them) Anna Ah, hait! Uhmm... (holds out two fists; one tight, the other loose) Ramen like this! (points to tight fist) Udon like this! (points to loose fist) Me Oh! Ramen smaller than udon? Japanese students (nods happily) Hait, hait, hait! OK, so I actually knew the answer. So whaaaaat? :D Kimura Nina Wah, when I first saw that guy I thought, "Aiy, Lee Kuan Yew is here meh?!" Me (looking at said bloke) Who is he? Nina Professor Kimura. Me (perks up) What?! Nina (smacks my head. gives the hairy eyeball) Kimura is a pretty common name, you know... Me (deflates) Ow. Oh. (Hope floats) But any chance - Nina THEY'RE NOT RELATED!! People turn and stare Nina and I ... ^^V Heeee~! One of the japanese girls, Anna, asked me to write to her. And Keita gave me his e-mail address. Cool! But, uh, gee, can they read english...? Heh. I'll write. Not my fault if they don't understand...

Saturday, November 8, 2003 at 11:35 p.m. I once met one helluva cool chick. I don't say she's cool cos she's like my best friend or anything. You know. One of those people. The ones that would get waived through bouncers in some exclusive soiree because, as her friend said, "she's happening." That's a Malaysian epitome of coolness for ye kataks under the tempurung. Whatever. She had one of fabulous jobs - you get in at noon, get out by 3, and be paid oodles of $$$ that it doesn't matter that she's married to a millionaire. She's pretty and striking. Black curls, pouty lips. Athletic curvy bod. And wicked tattoos and piercings (her tongue! her tongue!), dammit. I've seen a photo of her little girl. She has her mother's fine features and curls. Apparently, she's adorable. When I grow up, I wanna be just like her. Well, that was my first impression. And first impressions are deceiving. For one moment, I overlooked one very important thing: Was she happy? And another: Would I be happy if I were like her? Looking again, I see the cracks. It's not my place to list them, so I won't. I don't know if she's happy. I don't know if I'll ever ask. But I know one thing: I wouldn't want her life.

Friday, November 7, 2003 at 01:59 p.m. dammit. i forgot that the other place shouldn't have any personal bits on my life last night. i won't delete it though. the comments are too much fun, and wat's done is done. j0k3r strikes back. remember that bloke from a few months back? man, thought i rid of him... right. ignore. ignore. ignore. but it's easier to say "ignore" then to actually do it. sigh. "mantrap", eh, sin? more like a "creeptrap".

Thursday, November 6, 2003 at 12:40 p.m. I don't feel like being nice and patient. I don't feel like being restrained. I feel like- being a complete and utter bitch. I want to scream and scream and howl and shriek. I want to tear my hair out and beat my fists against a wall til they bleed. I want to take something sharp and slash the curtains. I want things to shatter and tinkle. I want to huddle myself in some quiet corner where no one can here me rage, where everyone will just shut up. No more noise. No more expectations. No more responsibility. No more disappointments. Just quiet. I want to put myself in bed. In some dark room where the sun won't touch my eyes. I want to be covered head to toes in a blanket. I want to take deep breaths. I want to close my eyes. I don't want to wake up.

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 at 01:06 a.m. i don't feel particularly rational these days. is that the word? the right expression? i think not. let's try again. ok. i don't feel... like i'm here. you know what i mean, right? it's like my physical body is typing in front of the computer, words appear as i type but i'm some where else. where is this elsewhere? i don't know. maybe holing myself up at home isn't a good thing. when was the last time i went out? oh yes. to watch spirited away. how long ago was that? i can't remember. but i don't feel like going out. to the point of where i don't care much for watching the matrix revolutions flick. wow. that's pretty weird. i guess. maybe i'm pms-ing? i only know i'm kinda content to just bask myself in the light that my pc radiates. i. have. no. life. and i don't really care. do i care about anything anymore? riddles, riddles, riddles. i wish i could answer.

Monday, November 3, 2003 at 12:49 a.m. "Guess what?" "I don't know. Tell me." "Somebody likes you." "Feh." "What does that mean?" "It means...feh. Oh, it's T, isn't it?" "What makes you think it's T?" "(sigh) Because everyone says so." "Who's everyone?" "His bestfriends la. They keep trying to push me to him. They say he just adores my breasts." "Oh, right. Well, I'm not saying if it is him, (pause) or Alex or (prattles others names)." "To be honest, I'd rather you didn't tell me." "Why wouldn't you want to know?" "Because then I'll get paranoid and question everyone's motives, etc." "So you're paranoid?" "Yeah. But I think it's a good thing as long as we keep it controlled. I just lost mine at one point." "So you're paranoid of me, of Andy, of T, of Alex, of your bestfriend?" "Yeah." "Tell me what would you do if you liked someone." "I don't know." "C'moooon." "I'd be too afraid to fall." "WHAT? Too afraid to fall?" "Yeah." "In love?" "Yeah."